Tenth Step
by lavira.rose
Summary: KevEdd- Until the day he meets Kevin Barr, Edd is convinced he's fine. He's functioning. This is the first time in years he's ever questioned these things. - Double D suffers from severe germaphobia and OCD. Kevin is the straightforward counselor at the college he works at. He has some questionable methods of treatment, to say the least.
1. Prologue

Based loosely on Ten Count, the lovely manga.  
There are descriptions of Edd's panic and general discomfort in this chapter and there's likely to be more throughout the story, just so you know.

* * *

 **Tenth Step**

 **Prologue:**

Edd feels like he's about to come out of his own skin. Everything is prickly and feverish. He can't get comfortable. Feels like he needs a shower, wants to scrub his skin until it's pink and aching.

He hates elevators almost as much as he hates sidewalks which is really saying something. They make him feel as if he's suffocating, surrounded on all sides by illness and disease.

How many hands have touched those buttons? What had those hands touched before that? Faces, noses, mouths, and worse. How many people have been in here while they were sick? How many didn't wash their hands at all that day?

He distracts himself by taking deep breaths and counting. Thinks about the paper his students are going to turn in tomorrow. Wonders how many might actually do it.

Just when he's thinking about how lucky he is that it's only him in here, the elevator stops on the second floor, not the first, his goal. His stomach twists up in knots and his palms are clammy in his gloves.

He wishes those dumb kids hadn't set off stink bombs in the science hall's lone stairwell. He's pretty sure that's a building code violation or something because it's just ridiculous. There should be another way out of here, other than this cesspool.

The ding of the elevator doors makes his heart stutter in his chest. He squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath as he can already feel his chest seizing with his panic.

When he opens his eyes he sees the doors closing and all he can think is how this might as well be his coffin.

The man who has joined him isn't someone he's seen around before. He's tall and muscular, skin pale and lightly freckled. He has perfect bone structure. Now Edd has to worry about not staring; it adds to his anxiety.

Unfortunately for Edd, he's standing in front of the panel of buttons which means when the man moves to press the fourth floor button he almost brushes Edd's shoulder. The smaller man takes a staggered step back, body rigid, because that's far too close - so close he can see the man's pulse fluttering and smell his cologne, rich and strong, almost like raw vanilla.

He presses the button and looks back at Edd with a quirked brow. His eyes are even gorgeous, a lovely green that Edd honestly has never seen before.

There's a painfully long moment during which they simply stare at each other.

Edd wants to tug on his hat but he also doesn't want this beautiful man in his nice dress pants and button down to see his stupid latex gloves.

"You look like you're going to throw up."

Edd could pukes just from that.

The man has a nice voice, too, deep and strong. It's honestly terrible, at least in these circumstances.

"S-sorry," he chokes out. He's proud he manages that much with his heart beating so hard it hurts and his throat closing up.

"It's all cool, man," he replies easily and quickly steps back and away.

Edd heaves a sigh of relief and stuffs his still-gloved hands in his lab coat pockets as far as he can.

He can feel the other man's green eyes trained on him. It makes him feel even worse.

"Not claustrophobia," he mumbles and Edd almost jumps out of his skin.

"I-I'm sorry? I didn't catch that…"

He only hums, green eyes trained on him, controlled and fierce.

There's only one floor, this should go faster. Why isn't this going faster?

"Agoraphobia?"

"Excuse me?" Edd asks, voice high and tense. His heart feels like it could give out.

"Nah, you're okay with eye contact," he decides.

Edd tears his eyes away even as he says it and takes a step back then sucks in a sharp breath when he realizes how close he was to bumping into the wall, peering back at it warily.

"Mysophobia," the man says firmly and snaps his fingers; it's the most animated he's been since he got into the elevator. When Edd turns back to him his eyes are even sharper. "That's it."

Edd stares at him like a deer in headlights, pulse so fast he feels he might just faint. The redhead simply gazes back at him steadily, perfectly calm.

No one has ever said anything about his Mysophobia before. SOmetimes he's been jokingly called a germaphobe or whatever else but no one has ever pinned him down so easily or quickly. He's so shocked he can't even feel nauseous.

The elevator dings and Edd darts out.

Eddward would be lying if he claimed he can't remember when his phobias first began but it's easier to lie than admit the truth. Some things are best left alone.

He's grown to accept his condition, he's had years to after all, and that's all that really matters. He's fine. He's functioning. He's okay.

Focusing on the past is pointless.

Edd's days begin at 6:00 am exactly. He makes his bed, he showers, he puts on his hat and drives to the college he works at as a professor (one of the youngest but also pretty well known though he's nothing too special).

He washes his hands before class and then before lunch, sometimes twice. He eats alone, and always a meal he made himself (after washing his hands as many times as he finds necessary). Even though there's no reason to, he washes his hands after eating, too.

The thought of some unknown germ or substance entering his body is honestly horrific. If it means washing his hands until they are dry and scabbed to keep himself safe, then so be it.

His students don't bother him unless it's for extensions on papers or other nonsense and for the most part his fellow teachers don't either. Those that are around him never question why he always seems to have gloves on; he's a chemistry professor, part of his job involves handling chemicals and demonstrating experiments so gloves are pretty standard attire. They just think he's quirky and even those who have picked up on his little problem like Nazz, who teaches Introduction to Fiction and Literary Theory, don't put too much thought into it. It's better that way.

Edd has been living with his condition since childhood and he sees no reason to change that until the day he meets Kevin Barr again.

"Hey! Double D!"

Eddward turns around to find Nazz waving at him from across the cafeteria. He smiles and weaves around the students meandering about, expertly avoiding contact. He's already ten feet away from her when a group of students finally moves from where they are positioned between him and her, revealing none other than the redheaded man from yesterday.

His heart sinks.

Still, he forces himself to smile as he approaches; he stays as far away as possible while not being rude. "Ah, hello Nazz."

"This is Kevin, he's the new counselor."

"Hello!" Edd says too quick and high.

Kevin smirks. "Nice to meet you," he replies in that same bored tone as yesterday despite the curve of his lips. He doesn't offer his hand much to Edd's relief. "The chemistry professor, right?"

"Yes, I am."

He hums in acknowledgment.

"Ms. Nazz!" a student calls from nearby and waves frantically.

The woman grins broadly before looking back to the two of them. "I'll see you later! Show him around, Double D!" she says with one last bright smile before continuing on.

Edd looks to Kevin, gulping. "Um…"

"I'm sorry," they say in sync. Kevin's lips curl again and Edd quickly looks down at his feet.

"You have no reason to apologize-" Edd tries to object but Kevin quickly cuts him off by raising one hand.

For a brief moment, Edd is convinced that Kevin is going to try to touch him. He's sick and terrified but it never happens. Kevin instead lowers his hand.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pried like that," he says firmly but even as he does his eyes are trained on Edd's gloved hands. "I'm just used to, you know, counseling."

"I sincerely hope you don't counsel like that," he mumbles before he can stop himself. Flushing in embarrassment, he opens his mouth to apologize but Kevin laughs, bold and honest, and it makes the words die in his throat.

Yes, he's quite the handsome man.

"I'm pretty direct," Kevin explains. His eyes are surprisingly warm "What about you?"

"Hm?"

"Why aren't you in counseling or therapy?" he asks like it's the most casual thing in the world. "Mysophobia can be extremely difficult to manage. Well, impossible to manage."

"I-I'm really fine. I appreciate that this is your job but-"

"Right, sorry. I know I shouldn't pry. Habit. But… if you ever want help," he continues and reaches into his back pocket to retrieve his wallet, from that he withdraws a card, "I can help. Or at least find someone else to help."

Edd stares down at the business card for a moment. He feels sick just thinking about touching something like that and he swears he's fine yet he's compelled to take it.

Kevin smirks again as if he's pleased with himself and nods to Eddward in approval.

"Thank you…" Edd murmurs hoarsely.

"Don't be afraid to give me a call. Later, Double Dork."

Edd squawks in indignation but can only gape at the man as he walks away, laughing boldly as he goes.

He's fine. He's functioning. He's okay.

This is the first time in years he's ever questioned those things.

Maybe he's not so fine after all.

* * *

Thank you for reading! Feedback is great! Don't be afraid to talk to me here or find me on tumblr at laviraRose


	2. Chapter One

Hello again! Thank you all for your lovely feedback, favorite and follows!

 **Chapter One:**

Everything in this world is unclean.

Germs, disease, filth - there is no place untouched, no place safe, no person pure. Sometimes it's hard for Edd to even breathe. Other times it's like the world is closing in, like the filth is on him and _in_ him, and he feels as if he could come out of his skin.

Others, it's as if he's the thing that's tainted.

It's not an easy way to live. There's panic, pain and horror but he's okay. This is the only way to live he knows. It's difficult but it's also _safe_.

* * *

It's been two days since Edd met Kevin Barr, the new counselor at the college, and each second has felt like a test.

Everyone has seemed much closer, everything much dirtier, much harder.

Students with the sniffles wiping their faces before touching their lab equipment. Teachers smiling and trying to pat him on the back. The head of the science department wrapping an arm around his shoulders companionably as they went over their plans. His co-workers trying so hard to get him to go out to eat it felt like harassment.

It's so hard. Endlessly painful. He wants it all to stop: the people bumping into him, the feel of their breath on his skin, their _eyes_. People are so gross and he usually avoids them with ease, knows where to walk and when to go to avoid being touched, can slip through a crowd with ease, yet he's found himself slipping and panicking these past two days. He just wants to be left alone.

It's days like these that make him want to curl up and just _stop_. Why try? Why do anything?

Sitting in his living room after another long, stressful day, his hands bloody and stinging from how furiously he's been washing them, Edd stares down at Kevin's number which he had put in his phone in order to throw away the business card. He doesn't know where it came from, after all, or what could have contaminated it.

He's calling before the action even registers. Then he doesn't have a chance to ground himself because Kevin picks up almost instantly, barely through one ring.

"This is Kevin Barr speaking." His voice is much deeper than Edd remembers and it somehow adds to his panic.

His mouth feels stuffed with cotton, chest is so tight it aches. When he opens his mouth, all that comes out is a choked, strained noise.

"Talk to me," Kevin says and it's as if everything has changed: his tone is firm yet gentle, caring. It compels Edd to listen yet he still can't bring himself to speak. "Do you need an ambulance?"

That shocks Edd out of his frozen state. "No!" he gasps. "No… I'm so sorry. I'm - I'm very nervous. Oh my, this was a bad idea…"

Kevin is quiet for a moment; even over the phone the tension is tangible.

"This is… I'm so sorry."

"Is this Eddward?" Kevin asks finally. "Edd Vincent the chemistry professor?"

"Yes," he squeaks.

"I'm glad you called," he says emphatically. It's strange how he can sound so cold and warm all at once. "It takes a lot of courage to do this sort of thing."

Edd blushes all the way to the tips of his ears. "Oh! Oh no, I just-"

He laughs softly, a husky, warm sound that makes Edd's chest twinge with something he can't describe. "Sorry," Kevin murmurs, "I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"It's o-okay," he chokes out.

"Would you like me to treat you? If not, that's completely fine. I know some top notch-"

"No! I mean- oh goodness, I just mean… I would prefer this to be…"

Kevin hums. "I understand. You want it to be more casual."

"Yeah…"

"That's perfectly fine. I'd like to help you out so how about we meet every once in awhile and work on it? Think of it as more of a project than an - appointment," he tries.

Edd appreciates what he's doing, avoiding talking about this like he's going to the doctor because he's practically insane. It makes him feel safer despite this man being a stranger. "I-I don't want to be a burden to you. Uh, how much?"

"How much what?"

"The price…"

"Oh no," he says and sounds sincerely shocked. "It's- no, nothing. Free of charge. You can buy me lunch or something, how about that? That's more than enough."

"But- you're going to be treating me. Surely there's something I can give you."

"Double D - is it alright if I call you that? Sorry, I'm just used to Nazz referring to you-"

Edd laughs softly. "Yes, of course."

"Well, Double D, don't worry about paying me or anything like that. This is something I'd like to do."

"Are you… sure?"

"Of course," he insists assuredly. "How about we meet up at lunch tomorrow. Would that be okay?"

"Yes, that's perfectly fine."

"Good. Let's continue this conversation then, face to face, okay? Or do you need anything now? If so, that's fine. Even if you just need to talk for a little while."

Edd's chest floods with warmth. "Thank you…" he breathes before he knows what he's saying.

"You don't need to thank me."

Edd blushes again. "We-well, I just- I'm fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Mr. Barr."

Kevin scoffs. "If I can call you 'Double D' then you better call me Kevin, okay?"

That shocks a small laugh out of him, his nerves finally easing. "Alright, Kevin."

"Later, Double Dork," he chuckles and the phone beeps.

Edd is left blushing and huffing, torn between pleasure and indignation.

* * *

Fear is practically choking him by the time lunch comes around. He was tempted to stay home today but felt that he must come for Kevin. The man was being beyond considerate - truly giving Edd a chance unlike any other - and Edd just can't let him down.

He expertly avoids all contact and sits at one of the tables furthest from any commotion. His hands are dry and aching, bound in whatever bandages and wrappings he could find that morning, and he's honestly terribly embarrassed by it but it's not like it's anything a counselor hasn't seen before (he hopes).

Edd has his lunch with them but he still must wash off the table, quickly as not to draw too much attention, and sets his lunch bag down.

"Is it okay for us to sit together?"

Edd gasps and jerks his head around to face Kevin.

The redhead raises an eyebrow. "I know I said we would do this today but I didn't consider how it might stress you," he explains and motions to the table.

"Oh, uh, it's fine, Mr.- I mean, Kevin." He laughs sheepishly.

Kevin's lips quirk and he takes the seat across from Edd. He already has his tray which makes Edd frown. "Don't worry about it. Next time. For now, tell me about your condition."

Edd's throat grows tight. "I… O-okay, what do you need to know?"

"Have you ever sought treatment before?" he murmurs and leans against the table, green eyes pinning Edd.

"No…"

"Ever tried to cure yourself?"

"Ah…" he swallows and looks away. "A few times but… I never got far and I always just thought…"

"You were okay? I know the feeling. It's normal to feel that way."

 _I know the feeling_.

Edd opens his mouth to ask what that means then closes it, thinking better of it. "It is?"

"Mhm. But you can feel so much better than this," he continues. Edd _feels_ like he's trapped in Kevin's gaze. "How long have you suffered from this?"

Edd's jaw twitches. "A… A very long time. As long as I can remember."

It's a lie.

"Then you can't remember when it began?"

"No, I cannot."

Another lie. It's obvious Kevin can tell but he only hums thoughtfully and nods.

His unreadable expressions are going to give Edd a panic attack all on their own.

"So, tell me what makes you uncomfortable."

Edd squirms in his seat, laughing nervously. He opens his lunch bag for something to do. "Uh… well… Germs. Illness. Disease."

"You're afraid of germs then? Specifically?"

"Yes. Dirtiness in general."

"I see…"

"I don't like touching people or-or their things. It makes me so nervous… Just breathing in the air-" he cuts himself off and shakes his head viciously. "I'm sorry. I got carried away."

"No, no - don't apologize. Talk to me. This is the point," he assures Edd. "Do you feel claustrophobic?"

"Yes…"

"Nervous around large groups?"

"Yes…"

Kevin hums thoughtfully. "Just because they have germs or because of something else?"

"Just germs, I suppose."

Kevin stabs a piece of steamed broccoli with his fork and pops it in his mouth, staring at the table for a moment. "Do you have a notebook?"

Edd scrambles to get one out of his satchel.

"Good. I want you to write down ten things which are difficult for you to do though you need or want to do them. Start with the easiest, something you can do if you make yourself. Ten is something so difficult it seems impossible."

Edd looks down at the notebook, suddenly daunted by the blank page. "Right now?" he squeaks.

"Yes. Don't think too much about this. Just write what feels natural."

"O-okay…"

It's surprisingly easy once he puts pen to page but as he goes down the page from one to two to three all the way to nine, his nerves grow. He puts down ten in his delicate, even writing but when he moves to write out this hardest thing, the thing he wants so badly yet makes his stomach roil… he can't.

He drops the pen on the table then turns the notebook around on the table for Kevin to read.

The man hums, nodding thoughtfully as he goes down the list.

Touching doorknobs, handrails or elevator buttons without gloves.

Touching others' belongings.

Allowing others to touch my belongings.

Going a day without a shower.

Shaking someone's hand.

Eating out.

Eating or drinking after someone.

Hugging someone.

Allowing someone in my room.

"Why did you leave ten blank?" Kevin asks calmly and his green eyes flicker to meet Edd's.

Edd's mouth is dry as bone. He can only shake his head, eyes now on the table.

"It's alright, Edd… Just talk to me."

"It-it's private…"

Kevin is quiet for the briefest moment before he makes a soft noise. "That's okay. We'll work on it. You don't need to tell me, though, so don't worry about that."

"Oh…"

"Double D," he murmurs, voice much warmer than before, and Edd's eyes raise to meet his immediately. "From now on you're going to work down this list. Starting with one, little by little we'll work through each until you are completely comfortable. There's no time limit or anything like that, just take as long as you need with each."

Edd stares down at the page before them, now terrified.

"It's called exposure therapy," he explains.

"I've heard of it," Edd says defensively.

"That's good."

Edd rubs at his eyes nervously.

"Double D, it's okay. I'm going to be here for you. We'll take baby steps. Just a little at a time."

When Edd meets his eyes he can almost believe it. "Why… I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but may I ask why you're so - I mean, this is just so kind of you-"

Kevin chuckles softly. "Would you believe me if I told you I'm just a giving guy?"

Edd quirks his eyebrow.

That earns an honest laugh, deep and low, from the man. "Yeah, I wouldn't either. How about this? I'll tell you," he begins with a smirk as he begins peeling an orange, "when you tell me number ten."

Cheeks flushed, Edd nods. "Alright… It's a deal."

Kevin's grin does terrible (wonderful) things to Edd's stomach.

"Well," Kevin sighs and pushes back from the table and looking across the room, "I think we should begin."

He's looking at the doors, Edd realizes, and his stomach sinks. "Right now?"

Kevin's eyes gleam with amusement. "It's alright. I've got you, okay?"

In that moment, Edd feels like this man, with his gorgeous green eyes and teasing smile, is going to be the death of him.

* * *

Thanks for reading! Your feedback means a lot! See you next week :)


End file.
